Nas and Carmen Bryant ~ The Boundaries of Male Responsibility

Nas and Carmen Bryant ~ The Boundaries of Male Responsibility

 

When I first saw the post that reported that Carmen Bryant had become homeless after the child support payments from Nas for their daughter had stopped, my initial thought was to pass over it and keep it moving. I normally don’t give credence to these controversial subjects because people have a tendency to hunker down in their opinion and defend it inexorably; however, I saw this a moment to address an issue in the black community that is at the core of the black struggle.

My concern was not with the specific situation concerning Nas and Carmen, I simply saw that as a microcosm of a greater issue that no one really wants to address. In fact, their situation is not typical because of the financial status of Nas, but it still opened up the debate.

Before I move further into this article, I want to make myself lucidly clear. If you are a person that is solely about yourself, and you don’t care about the black collective, this article is not for you. This article is for those that understand that they are a part of something bigger than themselves — those who understand that some changes must be made in order to make a difference for the whole.

When I addressed the issue, I addressed it from a position that stems from a substantial amount of academic study and experiential observation. The first thing that I will say is that we must do a better job of caring for one another as a group of people. The thought that we can be so callous when it comes to one another is alarming to me.

Below is my response to the situation as posted on social media:

“PLEASE UNDERSTAND! Although the Nas ~ Carmen Bryant issue sparked this post, this post is not about them, please think beyond this singular situation and take a look at the black collective!

I know that this will be controversial, but it opens the door to discuss something that I am very passionate about!

I believe and teach that a man is responsible not only for his progeny, but for the woman that bears his seed until she marries. There is significant historical support for this, and there is both, pragmatic and empirical evidence that supports the fact that the social impact is tremendous.

I don’t just preach it; I live it. It is not easy, but I believe it is the right thing to do. Erroneous cultural paradigms have shaped the thinking of blacks in the west when it comes to this topic, and it leads to abandonment on a grand scale. We have a proclivity to gravitate toward the position with the least amount of responsibility. The spiritual, emotional, psychological, social and financial repercussions associated with the dynamics of making a child are massive!

I will ask that we refrain from emotional responses that are primarily conjecture and postulation based on personal feelings. Respond based on how your particular stand on the matter will impact the current situation in the black collective.

We need our men to be more accountable and responsible for what they create. When a man plants his seed in a woman, he changes her life forever. He impacts her ability to get a husband, as statistics show that her chances subside significantly. If you don’t want to be tied to a person, don’t sleep with them. If you sleep with them, be prepared to live with the consequences; not on your terms, but by a standard of accountability and responsibility.

And Fellas, this is not about the culpability and contempt of a black women, this is solely about the responsibility of the black man, regardless of the behavior of the woman. It costs to be the boss.”

First of all, despite the warning not to think with emotions, the vast majority of the people responding to the post did just that. Many were responding from certain positions with hostility without even understanding the source of that hostility. The responses are reflective of another issue we have as a group of people. We have a proclivity to deal with everything on the surface. We don’t’ take time to evaluate and analyze a situation. We also have a tendency to treat our own worse than we treat others. Many were quick to respond with hostility that they could not even detect the real purpose of the post.

Before I get into laying out the foundation for why I feel the way I do, I have to say that I am so frustrated and disappointed in my people. While I would expect many of the men to respond in a negative manner because of personal experiences with the child support system, which is a joke, I was blown away by the callous hearts of black women toward other black women who are in the same struggle; I understand the source. Where did we learn to hate one another? When did we become so bitter that we would suggest that a man has no responsibility to the woman he has sired a child with.

The vast majority of women that responded profess some level of Christianity, but their responses were far from the Christian way. For a Christian woman, there should be a concern for a person who is their sister by faith and race, but we have been trained to strike out and destroy our own. Then there were those who were not Christians, but consider themselves to be about black liberation, and yet it is easier to strike out and destroy their own then reach down and offer help. As I stated in the comment thread, I have women from past relationships with whom I have no children, who I would not allow to go homeless.

We have become so selfish that all we think about is ourselves. When I began this journey to work at freeing my people, the first thing I had to learn was it was not about me. It was bigger than me, and I was going to be forced to make some sacrifices. I take this stand because I live it. It is not easy, but I see the benefit over the long-term. You cannot rebuild what is broken in the black family without rebuilding trust.

When I began my research to understand the plight of blacks, it became evident that the descent of blacks can be directly linked to the descent and the destruction of the black family nucleus. There is an ever widening gap between the black man and the black woman. Blacks have the highest divorce rate in this country. We have the highest rate of men marrying outside of their race. We have the highest rate of men who have determined that they are never getting married. Only one out of every four black women will ever get married. We have the largest percentage of single parent households.

Now lay these facts juxtaposed to the fact that we are in the worst socioeconomic position in the country, and this is despite the fact that since the late 1960s black women have advanced more than any other ethnic or racial group. She has raided corporate America. She has mastered Academia at a rate beyond any other group and she out earns the black man. Yet, we are in a worse position now than when the black woman began her ascension. The truth is that we are finally beginning to reap the fruit of the lie. The lie that came from two different platforms to convince the black woman that she did not need the black man. One platform offered black women who desired mobility an entry point into the corporate world and high salaries. The other platform promises poverty stricken black women support in a number of different ways, but they could not have a man in the house. Either way, black women were led to believe that they did not need the black man.

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The black man had culpability in the demise of the black family as well. Far too many black men abdicated their role as leaders, providers, protectors and coverings for their women. Far too many men found it to be an acceptable course of action to procreate and then abandon their progeny. Far too many black men found themselves immersed in themselves, flaunting a narcissistic mindset that would not allow them to see past their own selfish agendas.

When a group of people is struggling at the level that blacks are, they must be willing to look at every possible solution in greater detail. One thing is certain, what we have been doing to this point has not worked.

My quest for the answer led me to contemporary eastern cultures and historical paradigms, where men have been held to a higher standard than simply paying child support. The truth is that the child support system has done more harm than good. There are no true mechanisms in place to ensure that the most important element of parenting, the presence and engagement of both parents, is at work. In fact, the child support system has served to create more distance between the black man and the black woman, being used as a weapon and a tool for leverage. Male responsibility and child welfare are actually issues that should be addressed by the black collective as a part of a code of conduct.

What bothers me is how so much of the burden is placed on the shoulders of our women when it comes to having children, while our men are given a pass. Historically speaking, and in many Eastern cultures today, if a man sleeps with or impregnates a woman, he is responsible for the woman, she becomes his family, even if he does not marry her. Who are we to spurn this mindset when we are in such a wretched position in the area of family and parenting? We have allowed our desire for comfort and ease to completely separate us from our inherent responsibility.

Most of the women who are against this is against it simply because they see a woman that has had it much better than them for the last eighteen years. This is why, despite me asking them to think beyond Nas and Carmen, they keep commenting on her instead of the broader issue. You see, while Carmen was collecting those sizeable checks, many black women were not getting anything, or they had to fight for every cent. So, in their minds, she won and she blew it. Other women don’t want to face the thought of meeting a good man and having to deal with him supporting an ex that is parenting his seed. Then, there is the natural hostility that blacks tend to have toward one another.

There was a common theme on this thread that supported the idea that the man owes the woman nothing, only the child; however, no one could explain where they developed that mindset. It would seem that if a woman spent 18 years of her life raising a man’s seed, he would owe her quite a bit. I would argue that there are not too many sacrifices that are greater. The truth is that it is a cultural paradigm that was created and presented by a group of people who are hostile toward us, and like everything else, we accepted it as truth. This mindset is the fruit born from seeds planted during slavery, and we, as a collective have no clue what we are battling.

The fact that we are last in every category should be a wakeup call that we are doing some things wrong. We must be willing to entertain the idea that we may be viewing a number of things wrong. What we don’t see is that if we hold our men to a higher standard in this area, they will be less likely to father children out of wedlock. This is an immensely important aspect of the healing process of both black men and black women. It is the beginning of the restoration of the black family nucleus. No, it is not comfortable, but sometimes being responsible for your actions is not fun.

Our women need to be covered, we have left them uncovered and unprotected too long. Due to the fact that there is an extreme shortage of men, there is no room for black men to be leaving a trail of black women behind them to fend for themselves. It is time for us to wake up and start engaging these problems. It is time to leave the hostility we have for one another behind. It is time for a change.

Ladies, although this aspect of the discussion focuses primarily on male responsibility, please understand that you are not without culpability. You must also look within and address your own issues that have contributed to the destruction of the black family. I did not bring out those issues here, because I did not want to dilute the message, but we must, as a collective, do better. ~ Dr. Rick Wallace, Ph.D.

 

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